The Gottman Method: What It Is and Why It Works
When couples seek therapy, they often want something practical, tools they can use right away to improve communication, reduce conflict, and rebuild connection. The Gottman Method offers precisely that.
Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, after more than 40 years of research, have found that this approach is one of the most respected and widely used forms of couples therapy worldwide. It’s evidence-based, structured, and adaptable to many relationship challenges.
In this article, we’ll explain what the Gottman Method is, how it works, and why it’s so effective, and how we use it at Carolina Therapy Solutions to help couples thrive.
What Is the Gottman Method?
The Gottman Method is a research-based approach to couples therapy that focuses on strengthening the friendship, managing conflict, and creating shared meaning in a relationship.
Dr. John Gottman’s research in the “Love Lab”, an apartment-style research facility where couples were observed interacting, led to groundbreaking discoveries about what makes relationships succeed or fail.
From this research, the Gottmans identified key patterns that predict relationship stability, as well as patterns that predict separation or divorce with over 90% accuracy.
Core Goals of the Gottman Method
Increase respect, affection, and closeness
Break through and resolve conflict when partners feel stuck
Generate greater understanding between partners
Keep conflict discussions calm and productive
Create shared goals and meaning in the relationship
The Sound Relationship House
The Gottman Method employs a model known as the Sound Relationship House, which outlines the fundamental components of a healthy relationship.
The 9 Key Elements Include:
Build Love Maps – Truly know your partner’s world.
Share Fondness and Admiration – Express appreciation often.
Turn Toward Instead of Away – Respond positively to your partner’s bids for connection.
The Positive Perspective – Keep a hopeful, collaborative outlook.
Manage Conflict – Learn to handle solvable problems and navigate perpetual issues.
Make Life Dreams Come True – Support each other’s personal aspirations.
Create Shared Meaning – Build a life narrative together.
Trust – Believe in your partner’s reliability and integrity.
Commitment – Cherish and protect your relationship over time.
The Four Horsemen: Predictors of Relationship Distress
One of the Gottmans’ most famous contributions is identifying four destructive communication patterns that predict relationship breakdown if left unchecked:
Criticism – Attacking your partner’s character instead of focusing on the behavior.
Contempt – Speaking from a position of superiority; sarcasm, eye-rolling, mockery.
Defensiveness – Meeting concerns with counterattacks or denial of responsibility.
Stonewalling – Withdrawing or shutting down during conflict.
Therapy focus: In Gottman Method sessions, couples learn to spot these patterns early and replace them with healthier alternatives.
Why the Gottman Method Works
1. It’s Evidence-Based
Every tool and intervention is based on decades of research, not opinion or guesswork.
2. It’s Practical
Couples leave sessions with clear, actionable strategies they can use immediately.
3. It’s Holistic
The Gottman Method addresses both friendship and conflict management, not just problem-solving.
4. It’s Customizable
Whether couples are dating, newly married, or have been together for decades, the tools can be tailored to their specific needs.
How a Gottman Method Session Looks at CTS
1. Assessment Phase
Both partners complete individual interviews and a detailed relationship questionnaire.
We identify strengths, challenges, and recurring patterns.
2. Feedback Session
Your therapist shares insights from the assessment.
We collaborate on a plan for addressing the relationship’s unique needs.
3. Active Intervention Phase
We practice new communication and conflict resolution skills.
Partners learn to turn toward each other in daily life, not just in crisis.
4. Ongoing Integration
Couples apply skills between sessions.
Therapy focuses on reinforcing positive changes and preventing relapse into old patterns.
Who Can Benefit from the Gottman Method?
The Gottman Method can help:
Couples in high conflict
Partners recovering from infidelity or betrayal
Those feeling emotionally distant or disconnected
Couples preparing for marriage
Long-term partners wanting to strengthen their bond
Gottman Method + EFT: A Powerful Combination
At Carolina Therapy Solutions, we often integrate the Gottman Method with Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). While EFT addresses the emotional bond and attachment needs, the Gottman Method provides couples with the practical skills to maintain connection and manage conflict effectively. Together, they create both.
The Gottman Method provides couples with a roadmap to deeper understanding, healthier communication, and lasting connections. With its combination of research-based tools and real-world application, it’s one of the most effective ways to strengthen a relationship, whether you’re in crisis or you simply want to grow together.
If you’re ready to improve communication and connection in your relationship, learn more about our couples therapy services or book a consultation today.
